Sunday, December 21, 2008
My Personal Epiphany
Ephiphany a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) . (2) an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3) . (3) an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure b. b a revealing scene or moment
I can count on one hand what I would consider to be a personal epiphany in my life. The first was when, after 50 years of life, I quit battling my mother and our extremely different personalities. It didn't seem necessary anymore to voice my opinions when she was so set in hers. The battles ended. She was well into her 80's. Shortly after that, my child support ended instantly when Megan turned 18. My mom rescued my family. Without her help, I have no idea where we would be living. This was a huge moment of realization for me. Huge! I had battled verbally with my mother from the time I was a child. We are as different as night and day. She wanted me to be a carbon copy of her. Of course, I fought it but how long do you keep it up? I am just thankful my mother is still alive at 89 and has a clear mind. I don't need to prove any points anymore. And to be quite honest, I know my mother loves me. She was angry at me, for some reason, for years after my dad died. We've come full circle in our lives and relationship. Thank the Lord!
The second epiphany was Friday, Megan's graduation day. Lord, this has been a month full of doctors appointments, yucky procedures, and worry/stress. Why I just don't let it go and let the Lord handle it, I'll never know. My BF had some A-fib this past week and had to get it checked out. He couldn't go. My ex's wife didn't go. Of course, my brother and his wife had 100 excuses but I really didn't care. Those who showed up have always been there for my children....except for their dad. Yes, he showed up. I hadn't seen him in 4 years which was fine with me.
Many times, I've sat back and tried to remember just why I married him. I knew I had to have loved him at one point in time but I failed at trying to bring back any good memories. We met in 1975, married in 1978 and separated in 1996. He was ugly and is an alcoholic. He begrudged every single penny that he had to pay in child support. He never paid one cent more than he was ordered to. The children were on my health insurance. He never paid his share of the medical bills. It would cost more to take him to court than he owed. He came to three graduation parties at my home here and contributed nothing, ate like a pig and left. He's said terrible things to the children over the years. When my ex SIL got married, he was invited to the wedding but my son gave her away. My children say that was the beginning of a change I didn't see. Of course, I didn't. I haven't seen or spoken to him in years.
Until Friday, when he came to Megan's graduation. LOL...I had my boxing gloves on. I wasn't going to make a scene but there was plenty of fill in time when I could let him have it. I also budgeted the money for the meal. I had it in my savings. I told Megan not to even bother saying a word to her dad.
We went to a place called Monterey Bay on Mt. Washington. It's a highly upscale restaurant with excellent food. I never could have afforded the dinner menu but was pleasantly surprised at the prices on the lunch menu. It was Megan's first choice. And suprises of all surprises is I noticed a change in my ex. He acted normal. He is drinking again but hadn't drank that day. We acted like a normal family. Weird, what is a normal family? He didn't make the stupid little assinine comments that he is known for. I actually caught a glimpse of the person I married. The man who proudly carried our Becky around like a little princess before he got lost in alcoholism and taunted his little princess and his son.
When the bill came, I took it. He pulled out his checkbook and wrote me a check for over half of the bill. I was speechless. My mother also. He did it with sincerity also. Not showboating. I know him well enough to know the difference. I was more than touched. I still am. I took him aside and thanked him. I have prayed for years for him. I want him to make amends with his children. They will be better for it, as will he. He needs to realize that they are his legacy also. I know he's been thinking back to previous Christmas' when we were a family with traditions. I'm wondering just how happy his marriage is. He needs these beautiful children in his life. I continue to pray. He is drinking again. I continue to pray about that.
I've been away from my computer. I'm not sure why. I haven't had much inspiration to write or create. I need to catch up with reading your entries. I know the next few days will be crazy days for most. I'm just going to sit back, listen to my Christmas music and reflect on my perceptions.
I did do a photoslide of the day. I'm hoping it comes out ok. I have so many problems posting photoslides with pictures. I loved the top picture of Megan and her dad. It looked like something called the winds of change. Love you all!