Wednesday, December 31, 2008
As always, I'm a day late; a dollar short. I've had a mind block with PSP. I've had a mind block with many things lately. The winter season is not my best emotionally. This year, for no apparent reason, has been harder on me mentally than most.
I'm still processing Christmas in my mind trying to figure out where the glow went. Christmas Eve I spent at home alone. I super cleaned the family room which felt good and productive. Christmas Day was at my mom's with my brother and SIL and children. I do have a photoshow but haven't felt like putting it up. My children, bless them, bought me some neat gifts. My favorite, believe it or not, is a stainless steel dish strainer thingie. They were going to get a wooden one but I love the stainless. I got my mom a digital photo frame at Radio Shack. Waiting until Christmas Eve; not a good idea. But the frame is a really nice wood frame and 7 inches, I believe. She's not fond of huge frames. The pictures look awesome in it. I think I would love one also.
My son has bronchitis, at least. He has a doctor's appt. anyway on Friday. I called today. They are closed but offered some medication to hold him until Friday.
I'm days behind on my dashboard. Wow, I avoided my computer which is rare for me. I took the day off today but have to work Friday so I'm planning on playing catch up with everybody. Wow, I'm missing AOL journals for some reason today.
Anyway, I got a Christmas card from Jan and Maurice and Barb in Texas. Bless you, both. I bought a bunch of cards. Next year I'm going to get involved in the card exchange.
Have a wonderful New Year's Eve. Be safe; don't drink and drive. I'm hoping to spend it with my BF. Love you all....the rest of my NY's snags are below. LOL...see ya next year! *Yikes...15 hrs and counting here in the eastern USA.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Do you believe in miracles? Of course, as a Christian, my miracle at Christmas is the birth of my Savior. But I do believe that miracles happen to us whatever our persuasion.
I'm not sure how many are still with me from JLand but there are at least a few who will remember my Christmas miracle 2 years ago. You will also remember the telephone call I received on Halloween from an hysterical child of mine with the cancer word.
The colposcopy was performed around Thanksgiving. We waited forever and a day for the results but, once again, heard the word Stage 1A ca (abbreviation in medical terms for cancer.) I cannot even begin to tell you how many comments and messages I got from others who had the same diagnosis or that were praying for us and adding us to prayer chains. I had prayers, good thoughts, vibes, whatever. I wasn't particular about the type of prayer being said; just thankful to have my child in the thoughts of so many. And the miracle of all miracles was that the second biopsy taken on my child showed nothing but irregular cells. All the samples were gathered and sent to several independent labs to check for errors. Nope. My child was basically healed. It took over 3 weeks for this to be done so the results came a couple of days before Christmas 2006. She was treated with cryosurgery and still gets follow-ups every six months.
I was skimming through the Dashboard the other day after my newest epiphany and semi-miracle and saw a posting about another Christmas miracle. A mom, Melissa, was reuniting with her estranged daughter, Emily, after a disastrous Christmas and separation of a few years. It touched my heart but for some reason I lurked and didn't comment.
Yesterday, once again, I was skimming through the dashboard and saw Please Please Pray. I was brought to my knees when I read the post. It was Melissa again....but this time a heartbroken Melissa because her daughter has been diagnosed with Stage 2 cervical cancer. I commented, and the words just poured out of my mouth into my fingers because I do believe in miracles because I've seen firsthand that cancer can disappear. So, I'm leaving the link for Melissa's blog Just Another Day In Paradise. Click on the link and let her know that you are thinking of her and Emily, sending prayers, good thoughts, vibes, support, etc. We may be at Blogger but the heart of JLand is still pulsing here and that heart lends support and love to so many.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Yule, etc. my dear friends! I love you one and all........May you all find peace of mind and happiness in the coming year!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Ephiphany a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) . (2) an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3) . (3) an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure b. b a revealing scene or moment
I can count on one hand what I would consider to be a personal epiphany in my life. The first was when, after 50 years of life, I quit battling my mother and our extremely different personalities. It didn't seem necessary anymore to voice my opinions when she was so set in hers. The battles ended. She was well into her 80's. Shortly after that, my child support ended instantly when Megan turned 18. My mom rescued my family. Without her help, I have no idea where we would be living. This was a huge moment of realization for me. Huge! I had battled verbally with my mother from the time I was a child. We are as different as night and day. She wanted me to be a carbon copy of her. Of course, I fought it but how long do you keep it up? I am just thankful my mother is still alive at 89 and has a clear mind. I don't need to prove any points anymore. And to be quite honest, I know my mother loves me. She was angry at me, for some reason, for years after my dad died. We've come full circle in our lives and relationship. Thank the Lord!
The second epiphany was Friday, Megan's graduation day. Lord, this has been a month full of doctors appointments, yucky procedures, and worry/stress. Why I just don't let it go and let the Lord handle it, I'll never know. My BF had some A-fib this past week and had to get it checked out. He couldn't go. My ex's wife didn't go. Of course, my brother and his wife had 100 excuses but I really didn't care. Those who showed up have always been there for my children....except for their dad. Yes, he showed up. I hadn't seen him in 4 years which was fine with me.
Many times, I've sat back and tried to remember just why I married him. I knew I had to have loved him at one point in time but I failed at trying to bring back any good memories. We met in 1975, married in 1978 and separated in 1996. He was ugly and is an alcoholic. He begrudged every single penny that he had to pay in child support. He never paid one cent more than he was ordered to. The children were on my health insurance. He never paid his share of the medical bills. It would cost more to take him to court than he owed. He came to three graduation parties at my home here and contributed nothing, ate like a pig and left. He's said terrible things to the children over the years. When my ex SIL got married, he was invited to the wedding but my son gave her away. My children say that was the beginning of a change I didn't see. Of course, I didn't. I haven't seen or spoken to him in years.
Until Friday, when he came to Megan's graduation. LOL...I had my boxing gloves on. I wasn't going to make a scene but there was plenty of fill in time when I could let him have it. I also budgeted the money for the meal. I had it in my savings. I told Megan not to even bother saying a word to her dad.
We went to a place called Monterey Bay on Mt. Washington. It's a highly upscale restaurant with excellent food. I never could have afforded the dinner menu but was pleasantly surprised at the prices on the lunch menu. It was Megan's first choice. And suprises of all surprises is I noticed a change in my ex. He acted normal. He is drinking again but hadn't drank that day. We acted like a normal family. Weird, what is a normal family? He didn't make the stupid little assinine comments that he is known for. I actually caught a glimpse of the person I married. The man who proudly carried our Becky around like a little princess before he got lost in alcoholism and taunted his little princess and his son.
When the bill came, I took it. He pulled out his checkbook and wrote me a check for over half of the bill. I was speechless. My mother also. He did it with sincerity also. Not showboating. I know him well enough to know the difference. I was more than touched. I still am. I took him aside and thanked him. I have prayed for years for him. I want him to make amends with his children. They will be better for it, as will he. He needs to realize that they are his legacy also. I know he's been thinking back to previous Christmas' when we were a family with traditions. I'm wondering just how happy his marriage is. He needs these beautiful children in his life. I continue to pray. He is drinking again. I continue to pray about that.
I've been away from my computer. I'm not sure why. I haven't had much inspiration to write or create. I need to catch up with reading your entries. I know the next few days will be crazy days for most. I'm just going to sit back, listen to my Christmas music and reflect on my perceptions.
I did do a photoslide of the day. I'm hoping it comes out ok. I have so many problems posting photoslides with pictures. I loved the top picture of Megan and her dad. It looked like something called the winds of change. Love you all!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
The tree is up and decorated. Whoo hoo! I put the decorations on Tuesday night after work.
Now, strange but true....the surgeon said Joey does not have a hernia. He could feel nothing. Over the past two years, two ER doctors have said there is a hernia. This last one said he could stick his finger through it. WTH??? I asked what was causing the terrible pain. Hmmm....don't know. Pfft...not a good answer. Maybe a tendon pull. Ugh. Joey just happened to have a follow up appt. the next day with the GI specialist. He feels a small bump, which he's not worried about but says it's not a hernia. So.....I'm sending him to my new doctor here for a 3rd opinion. Something doubled him over.
Fun, fun for me Tuesday. My new doctor is having me get a baseline colonoscopy done. I have to start drinking this God awful stuff tomorrow and can only eat broth and jello. I'll be a biotch with a capital "B". My new doctor also asked me if I knew I had a heart murmur? Nope. So, I had an echocardiogram done last week. The technician said there's nothing to worry about. I still need my mammogram done plus a Pap Smear. I'm so tired of taking days off for appointments.
Megan's graduation is Friday. We have 11 people going. I'm taking them all out to lunch afterwards at a very, very nice place plus Daddy dearest who hasn't offered a cent towards this gathering, which includes many of his family members. Oh well, some things never change. Her health insurance expires Dec. 19th. The college will renew it until May for $500. Ugh, I'm praying to come up with something or some way to pay for this. Financially, this year has been difficult but at least I have a job.
Sorry, I haven't been around. I plan to try and get caught up today. Once again I had damaged AOL files and had to uninstall and reinstall. This ususally happens a couple of times a year but it's been a while. It seems to take forever to do this, then my DSL was out....grrrr. I apologize if I've missed an entry. Let me know.....
And there is a Christmas giveaway raffle going on. Go visit Koda, the handsome little Corgi in California. Here's the link; just click and leave a comment (send him a doggie treat and your chances are even better): a corgi in southern california.
HUGS TO ALL.........
Monday, December 8, 2008
The tree is up! Not decorated but at least it's up and the lights work. It doesn't take a whole lot to please me. Digging a hole in the back yard and climbing in it is becoming less appealing right now. Of course, I believe I'm in or have been in a dark place. If I look back through my archives, I see that it appears to be a seasonal thing. I hate winter....pure and simple. I also have some sort of crud that goes away and comes back. I'm just starting to feel better again.
Joey goes to the surgeon today to see when he will have his surgery on the hernia. I'm praying it's before the end of the year because we've met the deductible. I have such a day ahead of me because I basically vegetated on the couch all weekend feeling like doo-doo. I just couldn't muster the energy to even drag the tree into the familyroom yesterday. My son is always kind enough to put it up. It still needs decorated but I have all week. I also have a little 4 ft pre-lit that has never been opened. I was going to put it on the sunporch. Joey said I should put it next to the bigger tree. For those of you that have been reading me for a while, I fuss every year as to live vs. my slim Martha Stewart pre-lit tree. Live ones are huge. This one looks small but doesn't get battered by Grizzly as much. Now, I'm intrigued with the idea of 2 slim trees next to each other. One very tall; one 4 ft. I certainly have plenty of ornaments. And to think he was teasing.
17 days to go. I'm thinking there will be no outside lights once again this year as there is a good 3 inches of packed snow on the ground. I hate to admit it but no one uses our livingroom. Lazy me left my snowmen up all year so the livingroom is good to go. It gets harder each year to work and keep up with things around the house. I keep rolling around 10 hrs days again in my head but think I will wait until it gets nice out to try it again. I'm not sure why I'm so indecisive about something I loved when I did it.
Megan graduates Dec. 19th. Nerves are on edge all around. I have a longtime online friend that I met on an AOL message board years and years ago. I didn't realize that she was reading my journal until some problems arose a while ago. It was so nice to know M was around and still is. She is very wise. She recently sent Megan a graduation gift. Thank you, M! You are my guardian angel. You give me the best advice when I need it the most.
I got a Christmas card from Lisa Jo....love you so much. I just don't think I will get any cards out again this year. I'm terrible with sending cards...just terrible.
Gotta run and get ready to go to the surgeon's, pick up Griz' meds, go to Walmart, drop my son's car off for his snow tires, and then grocery shop. Ugh....I really don't want to wear myself out but can't cut any of these trips out. Have a good day all.....HUGS N LOVE
Monday, December 1, 2008
I remember as a little kid, my mother always started baking right after Thanksgiving. I would help with cutting out the sugar cookies and the gingerbread. The house felt cozy and smelled so good.
My mom still bakes quite a bit which amazes me since she just turned 89. I baked quite a bit when my kids were small but I ended up eating far more than I needed to. My three weren't extremely interested in helping and didn't like most of the cookies anyway, so I stopped. The only thing I baked were nut rolls which came from my dad's Slovak heritage. He loved them because somehow I came upon a recipe that was just like his mother's. I haven't baked a nut roll since 1993, the year before my dad died.
Hmmm...I have no idea where I'm going with this post. I woke up this morning with a really sore throat and ears. My head was pounding. I really felt like I was getting the crud. I took the day off and did a few things. I went and got my snow tires put on my car. It's been pretty bad getting down my hill.
I'm supposing the blues are striking because somehow I can't quite grasp the Christmas spirit. I put fewer decorations up each year. Dang, I used to have 3 trees up. I didn't get any lights outside because, once again, I'm so undecided this year. I saw a $300 tree at Sears on Saturday that I loved. It's $200 this week but I refuse to spend that much money on a pre-lit tree. Ugh...I feel like Ebeneezer Scrooge. Plus I'm thinking I'm probably putting on weight...double ugh. Just a bad day :) Tomorrow a few old friends from work and I are doing our annual Christmas luncheon at the Spaghetti Warehouse :) Just what I need, more food. I really need to put those walking shoes on and brave the weather. Anyway, this too shall pass. Dang, this seems like such a downer....HUGGIES Another set of snaggies on the way.